Question of the week: November 9

9 11 2009

Ladies, do you ever feel like it’s okay/justifiable to date and/or have sex with another woman’s siginificant other or husband and you know he’s attached? Why or why not?

Personally, I don’t think it’s ever okay for someone to date another in a committed relationship. Period.  I wouldn’t want another woman to do it to me, so I wouldn’t dream of doing it. However, I know some women would do it to me regardless, and if they do, that’s on them because I believe in karma. I also believe that if he cheats with you, he will definitely cheat on you. To me, there is no excuse. What do ya’ll think?

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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How to help a friend in an abusive situation

29 10 2009
There are two more days left in October- that means two more days of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
 
Here are some tips to help you help a woman you know dealing with domestic violence.
 
Get all the info you can about domestic violence. One thing you can do is call a domestic violence shelter or the national hotline (1.800.799.7233 or TTY 1.800.787.3224) and speak with a victim’s advocate and learn how you can be as helpful and supportive as possible. You can also search the web for info.
 
Offering a compassionate ear may be the best help you can give. Don’t push the issue- just let her tell you what’s going on at her pace. Remember to validate her thoughts and feelings, provide her with options and stay respectful of her independence.
 
Recognize that no one deserves to be hurt and domestic violence is a crime. Phy Rubenstein, a nationally recognized DV expert, says “sometimes we’re afraid that a woman might be insulted if we tell our suspicions, yet it can help a woman feel okay about seeking help. Also, realize that it takes a lot of strength and courage to remain with an abusive partner.
 
Direct her to community services. Share your info about abuse with her privately. Reassure her that she isn’t alone and that people care for her. Encourage her to ask for aid at a domestic violence hotline or local program.
 
Provide her with the emotional encouragement she needs. Battered women deal with both emotional and physical abuse. According to the Department of Justice, her abuser probably speaks negatively to and about her. Because of the lack of positive reinforcement, she may feel like she can’t do anything right. So, help her think about her strengths and talents, and stress to her that she is worthy of a violence-free life.
 
Be there for where when she needs and be sure she knows it. Give whatever you can like childcare, financial help or transportation.
 
Help her with a safety plan. Help her figure out the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again. Things to do: create a list of people she can contact in an emergency; recommend that she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money and important documents. DV advocates can help with safety planning as well.
 
If she chooses to leave, call or have her call a domestic violence hotline or shelter. Battered women are usually in the most physical danger when attempting to leave. Advocates strongly sugges being very cautious when offering and providing safety in your home. Be very discreet and speak to domestic violence staff about the best method of dealing with this.
 
If you hear or see an abusive situation happening, call the police immediately. “It cannot be overemphasized that domestic violence is a crime that can resul in serious physical injury or even death,” according to the Department of Justice. “Calling the police doesn’t always mean the abuser will be put in jail, but it is simply the most effective way to protect the woman and her children from immediate harm.”

Source: Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com 

 


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The five dating mistakes women (supposedly) make

28 10 2009

In an article on the Huffington Post, Jag Carrao gives the ‘Five Dating Mistakes Women Make…And How You Can Avoid/Undo Them. I’m just going to post the mistakes and the ‘quick fixes’, you can read the entire story here. I found it to be somewhat…interesting:

Mistake 1: Approaching him first.

Quick fix: If you talked to or asked him out first, you can try to bring back some of the feminine mystique that you lost as the initiator by being a little more mysterious and a little less available.

Mistake 2: Acting overly friendly.Quick fix: Realize that the more you talk about you, the less you will be learning if he is right for you. Find out why you feel the need to be a Chatty Cathy and remember why you’re there- to chill and have a good time.

Mistake 3: Agreeing to last minute dates.

Quick fix: Carrao recommends the “three days in advance” rule from the book The Rules- the guy should call you by Wednesday night to ask you out for Saturday.

Mistake 4: Jumping into a ‘whirlwind romance.’

Quick fix: Begin pacing the relationship. She says if he truly has to see you every day, 24-hour-a day, there’s this arrangement called marriage…let him figure it out!

Mistake 5: Wasting time. According to Carrao, this is one of the biggest and most common mistakes women make, whether it’s a relationship going nowhere or getting over a broken heart.

Quick fix: Know what you want- and believe you are worthy of it. A really good example: Say you want to get married, but your significant other still isn’t sure after a year. Establish a time limit of how long you’ll wait for him to ask and stick to it. When decision day comes, and he’s still not sure or he’s unwilling, move on and do not look back.

Initial thought? Where are the mistakes men make? …but I digress. I mean, some of it I get (accepting last minute dates, jumping into relationships and wasting time). Let’s look at the first one for instance. I think it depends on the reason for approaching a guy. If you’re a party/social gathering, and there are people you don’t know, then what’s wrong with being friendly and introducing yourself to people. Just because you talk to a guy (or vice versa) doesn’t mean you’re interested in dating him..

I totally and completely agree with number five because I’ve been there. Unless, of course, you’re dating for fun and not looking for anything serious.

In my case, I was with this guy, and I wanted (or thought I did) a long-term relationship with him. However, even after three or so years, he basically acted as if he didn’t want to be with me long term (of course he never really actually came out and said it verbatim, but you know what they say, actions speak louder than words). Anyway, me being naïve thought it was just a phase and that he would eventually come to his senses. I mean, we broke up and got back together more than once. Thankfully, I finally realized that I was wasting my time and waiting for something that would never happen. I am happy to say I am with someone who truly wants to be with me. Not only does he tell me, he shows me too : )

What do you think about these mistakes? Are you/have you been guilty of any of them? Do you think they’re that big of a deal?

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com

 


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It’s Love Your Body Day!

21 10 2009

bushbaumCreated by the National Organization for Women Foundation, this campaign helps raise awareness about women’s health, body image and self-esteem. It also provides women and girls with tools and encouragement against (unrealistic) media images.

“For years now, advertisers and fashion magazines have airbrushed photos to turn models into the latest beauty ideal. Women and girls are constantly bombarded with these artificial images — fantasies they can’t possibly live up to in real life.
That’s why the NOW Foundation is celebrating its 12th annual Love Your Body Day on Oct. 21. This campaign is a giant shout out to the fashion, beauty, diet and advertising industries: No more fake images! Show us real women, diverse women, strong women, bold women. And to the women and girls who are targeted by messages telling them that the key to success and happiness is manufactured beauty, we say: It’s okay to “Be You” — the true you is beautiful.” (from the NOW Foundation’s website).

Of course, I had to ask my fabulous Facebook friends to tell me what they love about their bodies. Well, I guess before I tell you what they said, I should tell what I love the most about mine- I love my face, skin and hair! Now, here’s what they had to say:

“My face (eyes and cheeks in particular), my sm-medium butt and my legs.”

-Melisa

“ I luv my skin (no foundation for me), eyes, cheeks, nose and smile…I guess that would sum up the FACE, so FACE is my final answer! lol”

-Audia

“I’ll have to say…my smile, legs and tush (lol) and my hands and feet!”

-Kiera

“I believe I would have to say my birthmarks (I have 4 of them…they are about 2 or 3 shades lighter than me in these weird shapes). Secondly, my breasts. I am not sure that they qualify as breasts, but I love these small perky things. And lastly, my eyes. I love their shape and dark brown color. I wouldn’t change how i look, but I most definitely wouldn’t change these features for anything.”

-Britnee

“My eyes, legs and my boobs. It took almost 20 years to get them!”

-Kenshena

“These grapefruits that I call boobs and my tush.”

-Kanisha

“…I love that I have a shape; there’s nothing sloppy about my body. I love the fact that every time I see my butt in a mirror, I’m shocked and almost embarassed (I mean, every time), but it’s mine, so I got to work that, work that lol”

-Karla

“Well, I LOVE the color of my skin, my naturally toned abs, my long legs and my bitty-boobs because if I don’t want to wear a bra, I don’t have to! Now that’s freedom, lol! “

-Jessica

“My skin (tone) and my eyes!

-Cheris

**Fab readers, let us know what you love the most about your body. Don’t be shy & celebrate YOU!**

Photo above is the winning poster for Love Your Body Campaign 2009 created by Marie Bushbaum.

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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Want to turn your side hustle into your dream career? It’s possible!

9 10 2009

I was looking through some old magazines (probably cause I was bored in the car) and came across an Essence article from November 2006 (old right?). It’s called 10 Ways to lauch your dream career, and it’s all about how to take your side gig to the next level. I thought I’d share in case anyone is interested.

making clothes

 Create a plan. Before quitting your job, come up with an exit plan. Figure out the goals you need to accomplish before you can quit; for instance, maybe you need to be making a certain amount of money or have a certain number of clients. Write down the steps needed to accomplish them, and also give yourself a timeline for completing them.

Change your priorities. Instead of seeing your side hustle as your gig on the side, see your regular job as the gig on the side. Just make sure you continuously do well so you aren’t shown the pink slip before you’re prepared to leave.

 Let vacation time pay. Instead of using vacation time for well, vacation, how about using it to meet with potential clients?

 Increase the hours in your day. If you feel there isn’t enough time to work at your job and side gig, consider being a night owl or early bird. You can use the time for buying merchandise, perfecting the business plan or do more research.

 Get some outside help. Before hiring someone, however, get suggestions from trusted people because you’ll want an employee that’s honest and reliable.

Use the knowledge you have. Know that the things you learn at your 9-to-5 can help you understand prospective clients and competitors.

 Give freely to create some buzz. If you get a steady paycheck, you can probably afford to get exposure by giving away freebies. (People love free stuff!)

 Pay yourself last. If you have the convenience of a regular paycheck from your job, put the profit from the business back into it. Use it to make marketing material and purchase supplies; put the rest in the bank.

Swap your hustle. For instance, if you’re an administrative assistant and want to go into catering, you can make the catering full-time and do office work part-time or temporarily.

Happy hustling!

Photo from: imagezoo.com

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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Believe in you

6 10 2009

I just saw this article on Yahoo’s Shine about believing in yourself. I think it’s very relevant, especially for me. And I think it can enlighten you as well. So…check it out here. Enjoy!

successful womanPhoto from: janetspeaks.com

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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Life & Death

5 10 2009

As many of you know, my uncle passed last week. His funeral was Sunday; two things amazed me: 1) How many people attended and the number of people that knew him; and 2) How many lives he had touched during his lifetime.

As everyone got up and told their stories, I was thinking that’s the kind of life I want to live; I want to touch people’s lives like that. Uncle Harold was a teacher for thirty years, a ranger at the Corps of Engineers, and he drove a school bus. And it seemed like wherever he was, he was an inspiration, and when I die at 102, I want people to feel that way about me.

His passing and funeral also made me start to think that I should spend more time with my loved ones, and I should try my best every day to live a full and happy life. I pretty much have tried to live that way, but I’m really going to make a more conscious effort to do so.

Anyway…Rest in Peace Uncle Harold

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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How men can help end violence against women- Domestic Violence Awareness Month

1 10 2009

When people talk about domestic violence (DV), they usually focus on things women- statisitcs, what we can do, prevention, etc. However, I want to make it known that there are things men can do to help end violence against women. Feel free to pass this info on to the men in your life (from acalltomen.org):

  • Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.
  • Examine and challenge your individual sexism and the role men play in supporting other men who are abusive.
  • Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of your socially defined roles and take a stance to end violence against women.
  • Remember that your silence is affirming. When you choose not to speak out against men’s violence, you are supporting it.
  • Educate and re-educate your sons and other young men about your repsonsiblity in ending men’s violence against women.
  • Break out of the “man box”. Challenge traditional images of manhood that stops men from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.
  • Accept and own your responsibility that violence against women won’t end until men become a part of the solution to end it. Men have to take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women.
  • Stop supporting the notion that men’s violence against women is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, etc. Violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and the outgrowth of the socialization of men.
  • Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to develop systems to educate and hold men accountable.
  • Create systems of accountability to women in your community. Violence and discrimination against women will only end when make take direction from those who understand it most, women.

 For more info about how men can help the fight against DV, check out acalltomen.org.

 


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“Good” hair and “bad” hair

29 09 2009

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rb-medium-wavy-hair-12-0809-de

 

 

 

 

 

 

I posted this question last week on Facebook:

Black people (and maybe others) frequently label other black people’s hair as “good” or “bad.” But what makes “good” hair “good” and “bad” hair “bad” in your opinion? Is it the way it looks (straight, curly, kinky?), ease of style?

Personally, I think any hair that is healthy and well groomed is good- you take care of what you have. (Even though I think using the terms ‘good’ and ‘bad’ for hair is kinda weird. Maybe saying hair is ‘pretty’ or ‘ugly’ would be better, but I digress).

Of course, this whole hair thing is still an issue in the Black community, which I think is sad. I mean, to hear people say ’such-and-such’ has good hair’ in 2009 is crazy to me, and it makes me cringe. I hope that one day soon, we can stop seeing nappy, coarse, thick hair as bad and realize that all hair is good and beautiful (as long as it’s taken care of it).

Here are some of the responses I got:

“I consider my hair good because it grows and is very easy to manage…by the way, it’s 4b! :)

~Brittany B. (btw, 4b is considered the kinkiest hair according to hair type charts)

“The health of someone’s hair. 

“If the hair is in good health & condition, then its good hair. If it’s in bad health, then that’s some bad hair.
Since you put it out there, anything outside of that is leftover slave mentality. We were taught to think and believe that our hair (& looks were bad) especially the darker our skin tones were. And so it went w/hair. We were taught and impressed upon that the kinkier our hair was, the more “bad” it was. All a bunch of ridiculous hogwash.

“It just is. Unfortunately, those ideas are still lingering amongst some of us. With self-love and acceptance, I believe that can change.”

~Cheris C.

“Over the years my definition of “good” and “bad” hair has changed. But I have ALWAYS thought that those labels were ignorant. When I was younger, “good” hair referred to someone of color who had semi-straight or curly hair. Now I say “someone of color” b/c I never perceived a white persons hair as “good” just b/c it was straight…And I never perceived my hair as “bad” b/c it wasn’t.

” “Bad” hair was generally associated with someone who’s hair was difficult to maintain. Whether that be b/c it was extremely coarse or whatever.

“NOW TODAY…for me at least. The issue of “good” and “bad” hair is quite simple. “Good Hair” is well cared for, be it natural or relaxed, long or short. It is neatly trimmed and conditioned and worn in all its glory no matter what style you’ve chosen. You carry it in confidence and make no apologies for it. If it works with your hair and agrees with your soul…Then well, HONEY YOU’VE GOT DARN GOOD HAIR!!!

On the other hand, if you neglect your tresses (i.e…Barely wash it, convet those raggedy ends and refuse to get a trim, etc…) Then Chick…you’ve got some “bad” hair. Not because of it’s texture…and not because of it’s length…but ONLY because IT’S NOT HEALTHY! And in today’s world, there’s no excuse. There are tons of online hair forums, blogs, and websites dedicated to the health of relaxed and natural hair.”

~Jessica B.

“I think every ethnicity can have “good or bad” hair… I am caucasian and have very thick coarse wavy/curly hair and without proper maintenance, it is horrid looking… I have to have it trimmed every 6-7 weeks and have to put deep conditioner on it once every two months… And my straightener is my best friend… I am blessed to be able to curl my hair or straighten it… But, regardless of color or texture, I think the real problem comes in with how you manage it. Everyone can have beautiful manageable hair if they just take the time and care to do what it takes to keep it up… People get too out of whack on judging others hair, and I think as long as you are comfortable in it then it shouldn’t matter what color or background you come from, whatever makes you happy is what matters!!”

~Kayla B.

“I think “good” hair is well maintained. Period. My friends are mixed with all kinda everything and everyone has a diff grade of hair, but no one in particular’s hair is better that another. I think I have “good” hair. Indeed. =) However, I have TERRIBLE scalp. lol This scalp eczema is a hot mess. lol”
~Audia J.

Feel free to post your thoughts below!

——

Jamie

mochawriter.com


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Don’t wife her?

25 09 2009

So, I was on Black Hair Media this morning, and I came across a post about a website called Just Don’t Wife Her! (justdontwifeher.com).

According to the website’s About Us, the website is “a community dedicated to helping good guys by exposing gold diggers and users one at a time.” Basically, people can sign up and  “DontWifeHer” pictures and descriptions of the women you shouldn’t wife.

Interesting…to say the least…


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